good thing vaginas are great cup holders
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
