my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
