my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
