hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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