If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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