and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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