God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize