I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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