i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
