And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
soo... how was my night?
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