can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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