Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
