Don't make out with my wife yet
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
