You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
