Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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