so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
