I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
