awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
