my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
