Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
