My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
