about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
