I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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