My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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