but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
