Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
