I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
