I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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