wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
