Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Randomize