you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
