The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
