Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
