my phone needs a breathalizer
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
