i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Randomize
