Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
someone owes me an orgasm
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Couch. On fire.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
