Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
