Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
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