Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
