a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
