Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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