Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
