I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
