My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
