It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
