Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
