I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
