This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Randomize
