i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
