I'm drive I can fine osifer
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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