Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize