She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
