I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
