Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize