he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
