oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
