I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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