I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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